ZIQING, 11.03.95!
I'm currently a student of Yuhua Secondary school. #11 Volleyballer. I ♥ TH-BUEYBAHHS & #11! I am not greedy because i just want lots of laughters! :D
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This is the time of the semester where I start thinking about everything and it's happening for every semester. Why? The reason is simple, because the school I am studying in, there is this policy whereby we have to change class every semester. Obviously, there are pros and cons. To be honest, I really hate having to change class again and again.

Actually if you were to ask me how am I feeling, I couldn't answer you. Tell me how am I supposed to feel? Happy? Well, I am because I am finally done with the modules for this semester.
Sad? Yes, it's the last day of school tomorrow which means that my class will need to be separated again. I will have to start all over again and try to make friends with people. Not trying to say that making new friends is not good, but making friends is just not my thing, I am not those who are initiative and I prefer staying in my comfort zone. Also, the modules next semester just seems so hard, I don't know if I will ever meet good classmates and whether they are willing to help me because I am a very dependent person.

Remember the first few day when I stepped in the class, I feel so uneasy because everyone is just staring at me like I am some weird person and it feels like everyone is judging me. I just settled down at the table because I saw familiar faces. Few weeks gone by, I was dreading school because I feel so out of place and it's kind of due to people already chit-chatting away happily like they have know for a few years. I just went to break with my semester 2 cliques and went home right after school with them. I don't really talk to others except for my team members of the day.

I think it was during the 2 weeks holiday where I had attended the DBMS camp and I talked to them more because we were gossiping and talking about anything during the camp. After the holiday, it was not so bad and I didn't know how, I was feeling more comfortable with them. Maybe it was because of the RDNA group with Wenyan, Syahidah, Lekha and Naj, we were just the noisiest team of all and laugh at every single thing. I guess this is how I found my laughing partner. Then in my Genetics group, there is Brenda, I didn't know how it start though, Brenda, with her judgemental self just started coming up with gossips and stuff. At that time, Whatsapp groups started and I got to know them more.

Every nonsense just started as I get comfortable with them and apparently, they came up with even more nonsense. Wenyan and I would just go all the way laughing non-stop and the rest will be showing the what-the-fuck kind of face. Everyday in school is just laughing non-stop for me, cause we would just laugh like mad cows and it's just so horrible that we are tired and breathless every single time after laughing.

Now that we are going to separate classes, I feel so sad. What is this? This is the point where I get really comfortable and yet, it's a farewell time. Everything will have to restart again, going back to square one. Awkward moments, trying hard to make friends, getting to know one another, get comfortable and separate again. Okay this just sucks. I dislike the feeling of people leaving.



Appreciate everything because one day, you might just lose them. To make it worst, you don't know what is the reason and they are just gone without any warning. 

Hi, just making myself feel better here. Yes, I've accepted the fact that things had changed, just that sometimes, my mind wander off to the past. Somewhere I don't belong to, I know.. I kind of miss it. I kept telling myself, I can't change the fact and there is nothing I can do. Similarly, because of this I feel rather sad too, it's like you can just watch everything disappear in just maybe one day. Yet, it takes forever for feelings to totally go? Actually I don't know what I am feeling.. It feels like I'm totally over it, but when I came across something, I feel a tinge of heartache. It's like I can still be affected by him. Fuck this okay. I really hate it. I just want to fuck care everything and laugh it off. I am really glad I've crazy friends and I genuinely feel happy talking to them cause it makes me forget everything for awhile. I hope one day, anything related to him will not have any effect on me. And it better be like..now?

"Never underestimate the pain of a person, because in all honesty, everyone hurts. Some just hide it better than others."

I don't even know what I am holding on to, what makes me pull through all these, what makes me look forward to. Happiness? When it's so easily lost? Hah isn't it a joke, things that make you happy, can also make you sad. What the fuck. I feel that's it is really scary to find someone or something that makes you happy. Why?

"You start giving them all of your attention because they're what makes you forget everything bad that's going on in your life. They're the first person you want to talk to in the morning and the last one before you sleep just so you can start and end your day with a smile. It all sounds great to have that someone, but it's scary to think about how easily they could just leave and take that happiness away too when they go."

How true? When you get too happy, don't forget that sadness is coming its way. They always say "It can't rain for long because once in a while, the sun will come out and the days will be fine. In some occasion, you can even get a chance to see rainbow." Well, think about it in another way, the sun can't shine for long, night will fall and that is when you start feeling all the emptiness and things like that. Now, I'm feeling really empty.

Nights like this when my mind drifts back in the past, those bitter sweet memories. What makes it worst is that I went back to look at those pictures. For a moment I feel happy thinking of how fun and happy those moments are, and for the next moment, my heart sank. Because deep down, I know it is not possible to be the same again, everything changed and I can never relive those moments again. Heart feels like it has been stabbed a thousand times and apparently, there is no wound. This kind of pain really sucks.

I thought I am able to forget and let go, but I realised I just can't, even after so long. 

There is so much things weighing me down, my mentality is constantly being torture and I feel rather suffocating. Questions were being raised up constantly and apparently, I can't find any answers to them. Talking to one of my old friend, I realised that in her eyes, she thinks that I look very happy with my friends. That makes me wonder: Am I really happy? I have been asking myself question as simple as this, but all I ever feel is just.... I don't know how to describe it, it's just not good. Well, it's only the surface that other can see, what's really beneath it, only I could feel it.

I watched a drama and the guy simply said: "life's like taking a bus, there will be people boarding and alighting the bus. The people around you now are just temporary cus' one day, they will alight too."
As much as I wanted to spend time with the people who are currently on board, but how many are actually willing to spend time with me? They are probably busy talking to those that they want to, cus' maybe they were engrossed in their common topic, or maybe busy fiddling with their phone, texting, listening to music. It's never gonna work one-sided. Only if you get what I mean uh.

Omg, how cute right! I feel really happy, all the bimbo-ed languages, HAHAAHAHAHA! I swear I can never forget! I thought that on my birthday, I won't be celebrating cause it's gonna be a stay home day..

THEN......

In the evening, Ziwei called while I was watching drama to tell me to meet at JP at 6.45pm when I had yet to prepare anything. FYI, it's around 5.40pm when she called. I was like "omg shit, how! confirm late alr~" Then I quickly bath and change, but still, I only reached at 7pm. HAHAHA opps!

When I reached, Ziwei handed my my present and intend to show me something on her phone, but Regin called. She handed the phone to me, and Regin said that she may come if she have the time so I was kind of happy cause maybe, just maybe she is coming. I was then asked to decide on the place to eat but I gave that usual I-don't-know kind of face and suggest to walk around first.

Unknowingly, we slowly strolled towards the New York New York restaurant and she ask if I wanna see their menu. Just as I flipped through the menu a few times, she said "aiya, nevermind lah, just go in" so I just follow without any suspicion. When I walked in, I was so shocked cause Regin was sitting there waiting for us! I gave that OH-MY-GOD-I-THOUGHT-YOU-WERE-AT-HOME-DINNING-WITH-YOUR-FAMILY KIND OF FACE! HAHAHAHAHAHA SERIOUSLY, I'M NOT EXAGGERATING!

So Ziwei and I sat down and started browsing at the menu. As usual, I am the last one to decide on what to order......
While eating, we had a great chat, laughing at every little things and Ziwei's vary expressions was so funny! After we finish our food, we continue chit-chatting until I saw the waitress holding on a cake. I speak out the first thing that comes to my mind, "Wow!! Somebody's having the same birth date as me!!" I was very excited and my eyes started looking around to see whose cake it is.

GUESS WHAT............

I got another shock when the waitress stood in front of me while Ziwei and Regin started singing birthday song for me.


For that instance, I don't know how to react cause I'm still surprised. I know I sound idiotic here but this is really unexpected for me!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA! Even Ziwei thought the cake is for others! This shows that Regin is very good in hiding. OMG serious! But Regin said she thought we knew cause she thought it's obvious... Phototaking and everything commence HAHAHA!







I am really happy and I feel really grateful for all the things they did for me. I really had great friends and I hope I will not lose any one of them because they had make a great impact in my life. And.. I know how it feels to lose someone important, especially best friends.......... Well, it had been the most memorable birthday I had! Thanks to all of them, I am who I am now! <3 p="">
Oh and I forgotten to mention, I got another surprise from Regin in the morning

BY THIS.........




LAST BUT NOT LEAST,
THANK YOU, I LOVE YOU ALL, GIRLS!

Caught up with Vinh today to find out about the details of our clique tees. To prove to me he is not a scum,  he actually told me about his story when it is supposed to be a secret. Thinking about it, I could tell that he has been wondering if he should tell me about it, but in the end, he still tell me. You know the kind of feeling you get when someone actually tell you something personal without you even asking, it's like they really trust you and think that you can understand them.

Listening to his problem actually makes me have exactly the same feeling as him. I guess  it was because I am trapped in the exact same situation as him, I can totally relate to it. While listening to him, many memories were running through my mind, my heart aches so badly. I know I shouldn't but it's not something I can take control over. Everything just came rushing to me... Those feelings were inevitable. Up till now, I told no one about it. It will take me a lot of courage to actually open up, but unfortunately, I have no courage. I am afraid that people will judge me, and I'm afraid that I will regret telling others about my personal things. Hence I kept it all to myself...

Why must you do this to me? 
It hurts, do you know that?

How often can we really forget the things we don't want to remember? I swear that there is not even once. Just because it once catches your attention, your heart and your mind. It once brought you happiness, the happiness you thought will last will soon proves you wrong. The cruel fact here is that happiness is never going to last, because when you are so overwhelmed with your happiness, it will eventually become your depression when the happiness is gone.. forever.. With such, your depression last longer than you can imagine. Why? Because those moments are stored forever in your brain and anything can triggers the memories. No matter how you tried to suppress it, it don't work because eventually you will feel even terrible. Many times I know I should not be feeling that way, but it just hit me hard. And sad to say, the cycle repeats. Note to self: Don't base your happiness off someone else.

Stop running through my mind, it's time you should take a rest.

I can move on, I can do it.

Looking back, many things were so different now. All that is left behind was the memories which I have no idea if it was good or bad because it can make me shed tears of joy, similarly, sorrows. I always told myself, what past has past, I know there is nothing I can do, I know I should just let go and stop dwelling. But how? I am always back to square one. Yes, mind over body but I have to admit that it doesn't always work. Like you get me? There are just so much things, so much reminders. It's just hard to forget things you don't want to remember, I swear it's fucking hard. The feeling really sucks. And I can now feel the heartache, it's like every part of you feel so unwell, so painful, yet there isn't any wounds. It's just indescribable......



I hope I will stop missing you....

It's been like after so long since I last blogged? Life had been so different, the changes were tremendous. Oh well, I can’t probably expect everything to stay the same right? In poly, the kind of friends I made was definitely another kind of level. Also, they made me realised so much things that I do not know previously. Looking back at the past me, I feel different and will never be the same again.

Yesterday, meet up with Secondary school's friends in the afternoon and Ziwei and I headed to my poly's chalet at Aloha Changi Fairy Point Bungalow 3. The whole chalet is like so big, it's bigger than my house. Science faci was there too, we started out chatting and then blurting out the unhappiness for the past 15weeks to faci. It was seriously funny. HAHA! Played non-fucked-up truth or dare and start some shots. Then when faci is gone.............?

Really, terribly ............. :(